Most people seem to look forward to New Year’s Eve, whether they are excited for all the parties, enjoy watching fireworks or want the fresh new start that a new year seems to promise. I am pretty sure I used to be one of them up until I was around fo
urteen.

When I was younger, New Year’s Eve meant spending the night listening to Harry Potter cassette tapes at my grandparents’ house while my parents went to their boat
club. In later years, I joined my parents and spent the evening listening to grown-up talks, eating too many pigs in blankets and awkwardly dancing with some of the other children who had also been dragged along. A bit boring, but still not bad. A couple of years later, my parents left the club and the traditions changed once again. Nowadays, I visit my grandparents, watch some New Year’s Eve TV Specials with them and then go outside to watch fireworks. There’s something awe-inspiring about standing in the snow-covered garden where you grew up and watching brightly coloured lights explode all around you.

usea

 

Perhaps it’s all just coincidence, maybe this is all leading up to some huge frightening fateful moment, but every single New Year’s Eve for the past five years, without fail, something happened which freaked me out. It all started in 2011 when I had a computer virus which announced that I was wanted by the authorities and would have to pay a lot of money for the notice to close. Yes, I know now that it is quite a well-known virus and all just a scam, but back then I spent New Year’s Eve trembling with fear and planning out my new life as a convict.

2013 was spent having an existential crisis as it had finally dawned on me that I would be graduating high school in a couple of months and had no idea what I wanted to do afterwards while my friends all seemed to have their lives perfectly planned out.

Last year, I convinced myself that I was pregnant, despite that being pretty impossible.

Don’t even get me started on 2012 and 2014.

Looking back, I think that what links these fears is that they are all irrational. So maybe the issue is psychological?

Why am I secretly scared of New Year’s Eve? I don’t think that the old year has been too bad and I am one of those people who doesn’t wait for the new year to set new goals.

I guess it is scary in that it reminds you of how much time has gone by. Every New Year’s Eve, we get reminded of how another year has gone by. I don’t know if time is constantly getting faster, if it just goes by faster the older we get, if it is a combination of both or neither, but every New Year’s Eve it seems strange that a whole long year has already gone by since when we last celebrated it.

And the worst thing is when you realize how little you got done in the past year. There’s the fear that we haven’t accomplished enough. Sometimes it feels like we are all given long To-Do lists full of things that we should get done in our lives. What starts out as

lista

quickly turns into

listb

and then when you get those done it becomes

listc

And the whole things just gets a lot worse when you leave school and become a grown-up, because then your list looks something like

listd

No-one can ever manage all of that, but it seems like a new year encourages people to try harder at it and they suddenly feel motivated and seem to believe that this year, they will manage.

But still, none of that seems to explain my weird New Year’s Eves.

Maybe I should just give New Year’s Eve a pass this year and do my best to sleep through it. But then, what if the scary things lie in wait for me and I’ll still have to face them on New Year’s Day? I am generally quite a lucky person, so maybe the bad things that could have happened throughout the year stay back and peek out once it is over as warnings to be more careful for the next year? Chissà.

Does anyone else seem to go crazy at the end of each year or is that just me?

 

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3 thoughts on “Where Thoughts Spill Out: New Year’s Eve Anxieties

  1. No you aren’t ones, there are lots of people who feel so. These december vibes almost hit everyone. Ya we do feel that we didn’t do anything significant that year but that’s not the whole story, we often miss out the things. Anyways all your ways of spending new year were nice, from Harry potter to snow.
    BTW I would really like to know anything happened this time on NYE???

    Please do visit our blog, If you like it please do follow.
    Thanks.

    Liked by 1 person

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